when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
