and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I think we might need a safe word for this...
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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