does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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