ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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