I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Two words: blizzard sex
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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