i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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