when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
