you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
