My Higher Power is John Stamos
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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