I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
