"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
im six kinds of drunk right now
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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