Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
