You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
