I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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