a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Randomize
