apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I had to cum in my sink.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
