Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
