I heard we made out
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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