I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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