Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
