best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
