covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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