I think I won the penis lottery.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
