my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
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