I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I forget how to act sober
Randomize