So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
