Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
whose parrot is this?
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
