Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
