I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Lo siento on account of my penis...
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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