Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize