did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
