you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
