My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
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