if i can run in heels then i can drive
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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