well I can't set my house on fire every night
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
