so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
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