So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
