Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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