No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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