Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
