I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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