The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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