We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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