Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
