I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
