Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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