Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
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