The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
