just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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