walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
