im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
He is an equal opportunity slut.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
