His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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