And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
