Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
