you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize