I think I won the penis lottery.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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