Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
