I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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